BuRnInG PAsSiOn

update

2010-08-23T18:44:00.002+08:00

its been awhile. bz bz bz n more bz.

updates on my life? been 2 wks fasting. sof ar so gd. temptation is dere but hehe managed to not b tempted. boo is back but somehow it all feels kinda different. mebbe its da lack of communication. oh well.. apparently im not as busy as him.

been making new frens alot. all thanks to YEC. n also been finding myself talking to certain ppl more frequently. hmm.. people frm the past have also made a re-entry in my life. dunno whether its a gd thing or not. some people can juz b freaky. but over all else, im happy to have some ppl in my life right now. they kinda make doing things worthwhile and they certainly make da loneliness at a distance.

don feel like writing much. breakfast is coming.. hehe den i can b as naughty as i wanna. muahahaha...

2010-08-04T19:55:00.000+08:00

feelings gone. yea. *smiles all over*

CONFUSION

2010-08-02T14:42:00.002+08:00

i have been really bz. sometimes i wonder how i can manage the things i do.. school. work. and volunteer work.

lots have happened of coz.. after such a long time interval duh..

im torn btwn 2. i like both. n i love 1. i don need to make a choice but its impossible to have both at once. what shld i do? wat can i do? im afraid of losing both. though da 2nd 1 has nth to b lost coz dere isnt anything in the 1st place. zzz... grr... i need to stop. i really do. but it juz feels wonderful. all of it. n i really miss my boo.. sometimes, i juz get so mad. he don even bother to send me offline msgs. it gets so lonely. very very lonely. i try to put it behind, to hide in the shadows, but when all is dark, where else can i go? where else can i hide? boo where are you when i need you most?

constant migraine's been bugging me everyday. is it coz im too stressed or because of other factors? i really dunno. finding myself keep saying the same thing for almost all qns. i keep saying "i dunno". don ask me why... schools been ok i guess. but there's just one thing. i cant help it. i like him. i hope this is just a phase. i pray for it to be so and nth more. its temporary. coz deres nth in it for me but only a broken heart. with each passing minute im away frm my boo.. i grow nearer to him.. hmm...

need to whack myself from this. geez.. im already so old still thinking abt fairytales.

2010-05-27T13:27:00.002+08:00

talk abt depressing dramas. the new korean drama tat i watched is exactly tat and more. zzzz... "Hong Gildong the hero". damn. makes me have an epiphany. zzz.... y must ppl betray one another? especially close frens. betrayal.. the ultimate sin. cant help but cry wen i watched the almost ending... da king moved in to kill da rebels but tat is not da betrayal. it is in actual fact the result of the rebel's betrayal... they didn wanna stop fighting even though the king was gd. too big a difference in ideology of the perfect world. damn. n stupid woman chose rebel over da uber gd looking king. zzz... i;d go for him anytime.. lols..
*Ajah!!! JGS (jang geun suk)*

2010-05-20T13:14:00.002+08:00

5 weeks into school term and class politics are super active. this person don like that that person don like another person. damn. im too old for this shit man.. juz don understand why they juz cant ignore whatever or what not. zzz... he's going away in 2 wks time. damnation. gonna miss him like crazy.

long awaited

2010-05-04T14:03:00.003+08:00

wow... its really been a long long time since i blogged. don think im gonna b doing it often though. bz schedule.

update on my life ever since my last post.. which i don even noe wen.. omgosh...
(yes i need to number them off =p)

1. 2day marks 6th mnth of me n gene.
2. new sch (NYP) - dip in biomedical engineering
*abit hard to believe lei... science student pfft..
3.my cat passed away.. bernard... still cant sleep coz everytime i close my eyes can still see him on the hospital bed.. T_T
4.life's a bitch... mom getting worst. i always need to repeat in my head "wat i want don matter" dad's a fucker.. no surprise dere
5.total house make over.. got my dad's 46" tv..
6.cant watch korean
7.cant read novels
8.cant play game
9.cant breathe
10.cant die

see da list of the "can't"s? life's only sanctuary... my brain where i can drift off to a different place..

2009-11-19T17:52:00.002+08:00

surrealism. lols. sometimes i ned to pinch myself to make ure its not juz a dream.

life at home is kinda sucky. boring shit. stupid aunt moved out already. n juz wen i think things cant get any complicated, u'd b surprised at wat she can cook up to disturb peace.

i sooooooooooooooooooooooo need a massage. actualy, i find myself needing alot of things nowadays. sigh.

cold weather. start work next wk. not exactly work. its training but atleast im getting paid. sigh.

2009-10-27T19:06:00.002+08:00

hmmm... life has its ups n downs. i swear i've been thru ajority of da downs last wk. wat was actually a misunderstanding escalated to a full blown emotional n life threatening breakdown for me. zzz.... funny thing is, it all boils down to misinterpretation of ppl's choice of words. sigh. ppl need to learn to choose words which they really mean. it was a bad case of using words which has mutiple meanings or using words that can be interpreted in numerous ways to the other person. add in the tone used n u definitely have a total misunderstanding of what they completely n is actually talking abt.

enough about misunderstandings. lols. im getting confused myself. aniwaes, another thing i've learnt this wk is how understanding ppl can be. F-R-I-E-N-D-S. what does that entails? or what does a friendship means to somebody? i noe diferent ppl have different ideas on the characteristics or what others bring in to the friendship. personally for me, it means trust, honesty, care, empathy n most importantly, support. ppl tend to do most of the things listed above except supporting their friends. thing is, they say they do but all they actually do is to critize. wen i mean support, its supporting their friends decision. u don try to talk them out of it. u try to advice them n talk things out with dem abt da pros n cons of making such a decision. u don juz condemn dem for making it or critize or juz say tat they're going crazy for even thinking of doing such a thing. zz... damn retards who consider me thier fren. *phui*

broken into a thousand pieces

2009-10-23T21:02:00.002+08:00

he's da only person tat i'd do anything for. but i think its juz not enough. how often i've wondered if we'd get together. but it isnt gonna happen. i noe coz i was told so. i was told to not even think of him.

it hurts. it hurts like crazy. he was my only anchor. without him i guess.. i don even noe how to describe it. i feel hollow. empty.

i tried not to put hope n believed him wen he said "i love u" to me. i knew it was too gd to b true. but wat can i expect wen my heart always betray me wen it comes down to him. like i said, i'd do anything for him. anything. ANYTHING.

gosh. i hate myself. i really hate myself. i hate myself for loving u. i hate myself for hoping wen in my brain i noe it wasn going to happen.

2009-10-22T18:23:00.000+08:00

its over. shld have treated u tat way since last time.

2009-09-28T18:09:00.001+08:00

it feels gd to finally be able to hate him. yes. lols. i guess his gdbye msg was wat make me turn. hehe sounds like a vampire. lol lol lol

2009-09-25T19:11:00.003+08:00

extraction hurts like hell. zzz.... migraine, headaches n throbbing gums. tat abt sums it all up. which causes severe mood swings. right now i don care abt any1's feelings. zzz.... u annoy me u die. think im some spoilt kid den go fuck urself. i cldn give a damn. especially u. stupid fuck. who doesn give a shit even though u may say u do. fucking asshole. shit man. if i'd known u'd b like this i wldn wanna b wif u let alone sleep wif u. sheesh. n pls. stop giving me mixed signals. if u ask me 1 more time if i missed u, im gonna go ask u to fuck urself. stupid fucks.

2009-09-25T06:27:00.002+08:00

heart throb. Woots.

2009-09-21T15:33:00.001+08:00

john asked me again. omg. i dunno wat to say liao. i have so many commitments. i don think my answer will change. i still don think it'll work out. sides, im still nursing a past hurt. m still waiting for him. as retarded as it may come. zzz.... so no to J. again... i feel bad hurting him always.

2009-09-02T18:04:00.000+08:00

end of story

2009-08-30T16:14:00.002+08:00

is it so wrong to wan to have some company. nowadays, the guys r like forever bz. oh well.. better get used to it. shld have gotten used to it by now. no point me eve thinking abt it.

shld i or shldn i? lols. its NOT about love.

im seriously thinking abt joining da army. i got invited to their open house. mebbe i really shld. hmm.... i don wanna ask for his opinion. he wldn care aniwaes.

aunt's coming out in 49 days. wat to do....sian. another big burden for my family.

been reading alot of novels recently. can finish 2 novels per day. im bored. im seriously bored. but deres no 1 to keep me company. i wldn even mind if some1 spams me. atleast it'd keep me occupied trying to stop tat bugger. lol. oh well. its juz wishful thinking to think tat deres some1 out dere who misses me like crazy. so much for my fantasies.

2009-08-17T19:53:00.002+08:00

wow. been a long time since i updated. lols. life's been pretty much da same. juz tat i haven recovered frm my flu. not h1n1. lols. been almost a mnth. nightmare.

im forgetting abt da times.
slowly but surely.
it fades juz like da feelings.
i wont say im sorry.
but i wont say im not sorry either.
life changes.
situation changes.
people change.
in the heat of passion,
all problems are lost.
but wen reality hits u,
it hits u hard.
making it unbearable.
making ur actions unforgiveable and unforgetable.
u proved tat ur not worth da fight.
u proved tat i was right.

2009-07-17T20:53:00.002+08:00

1st off. sorry to those who kept trying to get into my blog to read. needed some time alone wif da posts. lols weird la i noe. but i guess i needed time to re-read da posts. lots of things tat i needed to come to grips wif.

aniwaes, enough emo moments for me. its high time for me to prioritize da stuff in my life. romance is taking a backseat in my life right now. i've found it taxing to keep thinking of things tat might happen or might not happen. tired of waiting for da1 lols tired of everything abt love.

aniwaes, things in life has gotten complicated. mom n dad getting a divorce. aunt gonna come out from prison n stay wif us. i have a cousin (aunt's son, who is 2 yrs) who can actually tell lies. things juz doesn get any better den tat.

so yea. im living da life of a hermit. who gives a shit. even if u do i don give a damn. sorry to those who feel offended by this proclaimation but i've found out tat those who have said they care n r willing to b dere for me are nvr dere wen i really need dem. my life have been revolving arnd lies n more lies. so i figured better trust my own self de any1 else.

my relationship wif my sis is getting stronger. coz of da bitching of me mom. hehehe. even my dad joins in sometimes.

aniwaes, caught harry potter recently in da movies. mom bought some souviniers for da movies. it was cute. lols will put up photos of it. btw, b4 i forget. im rekindling my younger yrs. im collecting bionicles. lols.

2009-06-09T13:47:00.001+08:00

so much for wishing. it all comes crashing down on me. i hate u. now n forever.

2009-06-08T19:11:00.002+08:00

paper work paper work n more paper work. lols. its fun doing invoicing. juz not da going cross-eyed. =p

hmmm... cant decide abt it yet.

2009-06-06T17:22:00.002+08:00

talk abt a dog-eat-dog world. no is ever wat they seem to b. not even those that are close to u.

2009-05-26T19:26:00.002+08:00

lols fairytale love? mebbe. he doesn noe how long i've waited to hear him say those words.

him: baby i wont waste this chance. i wont let other guys take u away frm me again.
me: no more flings?
him: i promise no more. this time im serious. u noe i've come clean. u noe i've nvr kept secrets frm u.
me: lols
him: baby, pls give me this chance.
me: ill think abt it?
him: i love u. i don wanna lose u. ever.
me: hmmm... needy. =p
him: so next time we go out its a date alright? pls baby.
me: if i get to go out ever again. lols.

wow. tats all i can say. wow. lols.

2009-05-23T20:18:00.002+08:00

lols so much for hoping tat he'd keep his words. wen he said he'd always b dere for me, he lied. he juz don care. im juz some romp in his bed n nth more. haha. life's a bitch. he don text he don reply his msn. well, lols i say it again, life's a bitch.

2009-05-21T19:44:00.002+08:00

lols im not shutting down this blog after all. though im not gonna put up important stuff here. its gd to noe tat ppl r happy n tat more or less they have moved on.

have been talking to dinesh alot lately. n J too. though da latter not really reply tat concurrently. been enlightened alot really. lols sometimes those who u thought were ur true frens might not b n those who u tot were not r ur true frens. its weird la. i've really learnt alot in such a short time. i guess i've moved past seeing on the surface n to delve deeper. has made me live better. to let go of da pasts. to let go of da feelings for those tat i still had; gene and nick. it was hard to let go at 1st but lols wats not meant to b is not meant to b. eventhough u try so hard to hold on to it. coz i love dem tat i must let go so tat they can b happier. coz da more i hold on to da hope tat everything wld b alright, da more im not able to see past da past n into da future.

2009-05-18T18:43:00.002+08:00

im closing this blog down soon. to those who actually read it, thanks for hearing my rantings.

i have found another more private place where i can safely put all my tots juz to myself. some ppl have said tat i put up these stuff juz for da sole purpose of replying to ur blogs or juz writing for da sake of appearances. well i shant do it anymore.

2009-05-15T19:01:00.002+08:00

some ppl juz don get it wen u tell dem to leave u alone. zzz.... yes fuck da world n da ppl in it. JUZ LEAVE ME FUCKING ALONE. i don need ur pity. i noe its tat n not stuff u say sympathy. go on wif ur happy lives n juz forget me. gd tat some of u r moving on wif ur lives. so don give me any bullsit abt how u still care n will always b dere for me. coz ur juz lying thru ur teeth. fuck u all.

2009-05-14T17:53:00.004+08:00

u gotta b kidding me. like seriously. u gotta b kidding me. its as if he got 6th sense or smt. he always pops up wen i need some1 to help me thru difficult times. lols. he's so spot on its scary.

aniwaes, i guess deres no point being emo right? if its not meant to b its not meant to b. congrats to u gene. u win. i hate my life. i hate u. i hate all of u. sadly suicide is not da way. haha. how sad is tat? i cant even end my own life. sian.... i guess i can juz wish tat i wasn born. but as always, wishes nvr come true. no matter how much u pray. i noe its useless but i noe i will always love him. lols atleast we're still frens. =) i hate ME. i hate u world too. =) oh happy days ahead.

my biggest regret, making out wif him. i've nvr felt more stupid. in da back of my head i knew showing vulnerability was da last thing u shld do. n i wasn thinking. haha. i was shamelessly hoping tat finally smt was actually right in my life. fucking stupid. fucking fucking stupid. i gotta remember tat watever i wish for will NEVER come true. coz im a jinx. a big fucking jinx. n ppl ask me y i keep to myself right now. coz this is wat happens if i revealed my inner most feelings. i do smt stupid.

2009-05-14T17:25:00.002+08:00

wat do u noe? im not paranoid after all. haha my senses have nvr failed me yet. i guess it was too much to expect dem to love me back. now i can add to my resume da long list of rejects gotten. =) no more. not anymore. it ends tonight. i guess every1is happy to see me fail. yet again.

i will b bitter for awhile but ill b alright. im strong. i have to stay strong. i wont crumble.

my ultimate defeat.

2009-05-14T16:40:00.001+08:00

smt is missing. i juz dunno wat. hmmmm.... it doesn feel whole like i thought it was supposed to. sigh. i hope it works out.

2009-05-13T19:12:00.002+08:00

im trying to put a lid on my anger. u don figt fire wif fire. but its kinda hard. i dunno y he's so pissed. im trying to understand n b reasonable n think frm his point of view. i think da previous conversation wif gene was da reason for this la. i juz wanna settle things my way. its unfair to expect u to do it for me. unless its daryl la. den tats a diff case liao. zzz.... life's a bitch. seriously.

2009-05-12T20:25:00.001+08:00

i m lost for words. i really dunno wat to say. he told dem everything. n i had to pay da price.

VENGEANCE WILL BE SWEET

2009-05-12T20:19:00.003+08:00

each lash serves as a reminder not to forgive, each bruise serves as a reminder not to forget. i thirst for blood that which has been taken from me. vengeance will be sweeter then it has ever been. none shall save you from the retribution that is yet to come. heed my words that nothing shall stand in my way to shield you from what you know will come.

2009-05-09T19:36:00.002+08:00

its too late for redemption. sometimes promises are meant to b broken. wat jes said can really b applied to me. u made me whole juz to see me get broken in da end. tats wat u did. it has always been a 1 sided love. ask those arnd n close to me n u'll get ur answer. i started liking u 1st. but u got 2gether wif me not coz u liked me back, but coz u wanted to see how it wld play out. u didn juz lose ur feelings for me once but twice. i gave u a chance again but u blew it again. its a little late to regret n wish abt wat cld have been btwn us now. u juz cldn wait a little longer. u said i lied. tat i wld not let u go. but think abt this, if i didn break it off wld ur feelings for me grow again? i wldn lie, it hurt wen u said things changed. it hurt wen u said it was my fault for ur "decline" in ur feelings for me. it hurt. it hurt to noe u were eyeing girls wen we were still 2gether. n u lying abt it made da hurt even more deeper.

i moved on knowing tat it was pointless to continue. yes i lied abt not getting 2gether again after u. y shld i deny myself if happiness comes along my way. i noe he's gonna make me happy. n he doesn need to try too hard at tat.

u don need to say all those things on ur blog. not now. it wont change anything.

my love, nick, get well soon. i miss u.

2009-05-07T20:05:00.002+08:00

fist-fight wif sis. lols. literally fist-fight. hair pulling, kicking, punching n everything else. lols. was fun coz i get to release my pent up anger n frustrations. got a few nice bruises n scratches. m proud of it ok.....

2009-05-06T17:14:00.003+08:00

2days straight. talk abt mid-life crisis. n here i though tat it only happens to ppl in their mid life. lols.

lets see... where to start. things in da family..

nths changed. things getting worst though. how i wish they wld juz split. so much easier. for me tat is. but make sure they wait till im 21. den i can make my own choices. ill break out on my own. independent. life's a bitch. they keep going at it like nobody's business. migraine everyday. zzz.......

relationships...

nth's wrong wif him. its me. not tat i don love him. i do. but da jealous beast juz keep rising. i mean i wan to make an impact on his life. he asked me wat r some of my fantasies. its not tat i don wanna tell him. juz tat most of dem he's already done it. so it wldn b special u noe. i noe its not smt tat i shld b worried abt. but i dunno, its stressing me out. its hard to say la. hard to explain. its da little things. asked him for help but he asked her wat it was abt. sigh. im trying. but wen u've wanted something long enough n u finally got it. its hard to b even remotely reasonable. i don wanna tell him wat im feeling coz its little stuff. not smt significant or wat. like i said. its juz me. me n my retarded self.

he's really nice. sensitive n all. he quit smoking. coz he didn wan anything to affect our relationship. sigh. reading too many carpathian novels. im beginning to act like dem. da beast crouching low n waiting to b released. jealousy demon is not a gd thing.

sigh. signing off.....

2009-04-28T06:33:00.002+08:00

Y is it tat juz wen u think everything is almost coming 2gether dere must be other stuff pulling it apart? Gee. Ppl i used to like who didn reciprocate my feelings telling me they like me now? Juz wen i'm starting my new life wif da world's greatest guy. Lols. His juz amazing. Who knew tat an

emo rocker dude

is tat sensitive towards me. Its as if he can read my mind n wat i m currently feeling. Well, mebbe coz he's my bestie.

2009-04-27T21:09:00.002+08:00

lols i hope my fairytale have a happily ever after. who wld have tot? me n my bestfren getting 2gether? it was damn retarded really. i loved him in JC but i tot he liked some1 else so i didn say anything. he tot i wanted to remain only as frens so tats y he didn say anything. n it was at da exact same instance. it doesn get any more funnier den tat. feels like smt out frm a movie.

2009-04-26T21:33:00.001+08:00

i've found my salvation. an emo-knight in shining armour. lols. u find love in da most unlikeliest person.

2009-04-24T21:36:00.002+08:00

life's looking up for me. i feel more at ease coz i got my bestie back. so many misunderstandings. i tot he didn wan me as fren anymore coz all my msgs were left unanswered, but in fact he changed his no n lost my contact. den i changed no. lols. but we're united already. thank god. i love him to death man. can finally pour out all my troubles. =) susu i am home.

END

2009-04-20T21:49:00.001+08:00

love story has reached the end.

it was beautiful while it lasted. but its nth more den juz memories now.

2009-04-20T20:34:00.001+08:00

it wldn b a loss. really. not after all tat i've heard. my intuition have nvr failed me n i don believe its gonna start failing me anytime soon.

2009-04-02T19:37:00.003+08:00

i wonder wat he meant by sigh n more sigh abt our outing. Hmmm. I guess it wasnt satisfactory for him. I think i juz slipped a little more deeper into depression. How gd is tat. I'm so gonna die before i'm 30. Wat does he want frm me. Besides spending more time wif him. Sian. Sian n more sian. Fuck da world n all of u in it.

2009-03-29T06:52:00.003+08:00

been a long time since i updated on my stupid life. Now sch is gone. Feels as if i have no 1 anymore. Not da frens i used to have not da lover i used to love. I mean they are there physically but not emotionally. But apparently as some might say, its my fault for bottling everything tat has happened to me in me. I guess tats true coz most of da time i wldn want to burden dem wif my prob. I seriously think i'm having not only an emotional breakdown but also suffering frm depression. I hope its not da case. Having chest pain like almost everyday. I feel sorry to gene n ben coz they get da worst of my bad days. I keep finding myself close to tears or in tears. Haha. My mom's getting worst. She can scold me like shit for apparently almost no reason at all. All of this is coz of my dearest aunt. Fuck da world n da justice tat goes wif it. Y shld they punish ppl who r not in da wrong n those criminals go scot free? Unfair isnt it? Haha. I still cant believe tat i'm blogging through phone. Cool aint it? Internet on da go. :-)

2009-02-12T20:16:00.001+08:00

aching for him. haiz. no choice lor. i miss him like crazy but i gotta b strong. i hope he waits for me.

2009-02-08T21:35:00.000+08:00

judgement day. i wish he'd understand. all i can say is sorry. i love u.

2009-02-03T20:59:00.001+08:00

"this is not a desperate attempt to get u back, i have been preparing this song for u on valentine's day, but it seems like u wont agree to see me anymore, so i decided to make a recording of it for u. sorry for quivering voice, not in the best of moods. struggling all nite whether to show it to u or not, but since its meant for u anyway, here it is.

in case u dont know, this is Angels or Devils by Dishwalla. It use to describe how i feel, the "angel" is the love im ready to give to u so much, but theres a "devil" in me, that fear of getting hurt. Theres a part that goes:

I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
But fighting all the demons will take time, It will take time...

It just speaks to me so much when i think of u. whatever it is, im a little too late.
whatever it is, i thank u for the amazing times u spent with me, and for the record i was and never will b too gd to b true. cos i got a major flaw in me, i think u know what it is. also, u were, are, and will always b gd enough for me.
take care honey.

Love,
John"

Johns -

i cant stop listening.

2009-01-27T16:07:00.003+08:00

nothing beats feeling like this. sometimes i juz wished that he'd that things just a little bit lighter. if you really wanna think about it, ides comes 1st then oogp, then gmaps. sometimes he just makes me wanna pull my hair out. its not that i dunno that programming is important. i do. but sometimes, u juz don wanna do smt coz it makes u feel really bad. in my case, it makes me feel really stupid. i cant help it but feel pressured everytime he tells me he's doing oogp. haiz.. i guess it jus me.. as always. wats new right?

relationships. its not just about having strong feelings for each other. i mean, its important to have strong n passionate love for each other. but its more than that. its about understanding one another on a more personal level other then physical. this is not

EMO

. i swear its not. its juz a moment of epiphany. enlightenment. i feel that sometimes he still don get me. n i don get him.

song of the moment: it ends tonight

2009-01-26T14:06:00.002+08:00

caught in da middle. i love him but only as a fren. i have given my heart to some1 else. wat made him change i wonder? is it coz he's in da army? its mind boggling.

2009-01-11T12:15:00.003+08:00

my heart felt like it was being squeezed. every growing distance making it more harder for me to breathe. surreal. the retardation of hoping that he'd change his mind. the hope that he'd choose ME instead. it was too much to hope for.

the train ride alone felt... empty. but its alright. i wont break down. i will ~~NOT~~ break down. i wont cry. i will ~~NOT~~ cry. i wont go back to that. no way no go. it felt like hell on earth. haha. how many of THAT situation have i been in? i seriously cant remember. but i've always managed to pick myself up.

i think its just petty and unresaonable for me to expect him to choose me. make ME his decision. lols knowing who he is and how he is like... duty on the task at hand and helping his fellow comrades are foremost on his mind.

i guess its true, i wonder about this too. how people actually stand me. im overbearing and obnoxious and totally emotional. i didn tell him what was bothering me coz i guess it just not important and it was all just not worth mentioning.

if he wants to talk to girls its really his choice. i mean seriously, i have more guy freinds then girls and my relationship with them can be mistaken for more then just friends. so i really really DONT mind if he wants to talk to them.

what disturbed me most was the fact that i got dismissed just like that. "oh i need to have guy talk with him so u cant be there" and the next moment i see him he says "oh if u want to join us can already". i mean seriously, you'll let me in or not on your "guy talk" as and when you feel like it? that's just wrong. then again.. its just me. sian..

giving an ultimatum that if i don go eat then he wont talk to me? like wtf? i already told YOU that i wanted to finish guiding first then go eat. is t so hard to put the message across that I WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU? i know your worried about me but i know my limits. if i cant take it then i MYSELF will go on MY OWN. zz... then again... its JUST ME!

i think the most funniest part about yesterday was when i got home and threw my phone across my room. it hit the wall and landed on the floor with the back cover and battery coming off. haha. it still works well.. stupid i guess.

aniwaes, dont feel like talking abt the OH.

2008-12-30T18:48:00.002+08:00

jus wen u think da dust has settled another thing arises tat needs ur immediate attention. i feel as if nth has changed btwn me n J. as in like we're not a couple. like juz normal frens. hmm... weird. its complicated. sian..

me n gene. things r getting weirder. as in he's reaction... quite shocking. i seriously dunno wat he wans now. he says he wishes me to b happy but da way he says it, da tone n all, its like... how to say... like he don really mean it... like deres smt he's not really telling... i don wanna ask too much coz i scared he blows up at me... he's scaring me... realy.

2008-12-30T11:05:00.000+08:00

a new beginning... i guess.. makes me wanna sing da theme song from land before time. cant remember da title though.

feel much better. relieved even.

2008-12-27T17:39:00.002+08:00

a moment of peace
torn asunder
by the drop of a needle
on the marbled floor

2008-12-27T11:16:00.002+08:00

i swear, one of these days, im going to dig a hole n just stay in there. so much things happening arnd me. omg. i feel so lonely. its as if everything along with evryone in this world is just a figment of my imagination. tried smsing a few people but they're either out (wif frens or family so i feel bad dstrbing them) or they just don reply.

just don blame me if im not the same when school starts. i know its not bcause they don bother sometimes, but i guess they just think that mebbe, just mebbe, im not as significant (okok paranoia... but hey not as if im sane at the moment... omg im starting to sound like jon.... OMFG... n offence to him la...)

on the bright side of things, i've begun to stick with my books again.. a moment where i can escape reality for abit and juz wonder into my beloved fantasy world. people might thing im crazy for saying this but it actually feels really good to pretend that your one of the characters in the book and you know that at the end of the story you'll reach a happy ending. thats why i get so hooked onto books or certain movies or even music sometimes.i guess im just trying to find my fairytale life, a place where magical things happen. where true love exists that always end with a happily ever after. a place where all our reality problems don exists. where grades don matter. that kind of thing. i think im just being silly. but hey, i have a wild imagination.

solitude. now that i've thought about it, i guess its not so bad after all.

2008-12-25T17:12:00.001+08:00

i dont need an answer frm anyone anymore. have made my decision.

2008-12-24T14:09:00.006+08:00

lols. thanks gene for telling me my previous blogskin has some alignment probs.

aniwaes this is my new blogskin. i dunno y but i seem to like emo blogskins. mebbe coz i like black alot.

i always find myself emoing wen i don have anything to keep me occupied. mostly its about boys. zzz.... i noe readers get tired of reading abt me n my confused mixed feelings but its my blog. don like it den don read. right?

so here's da story of my life currently. J n Gene. da only 2 guys that i keep thinking about lately. its weird... i mean these guys. sometimes they're much more fickle then me. *gawk* gene always say he cares n i've asked him a couple of times whether he still loved me, his ans is yes. but it doesn look like he;s gonna make the move anytime soon to b committed to me. tat time i asked him for patch up he didn answer. after tat he said that he have been thinking about my qn n he says that he doesn know if he can give me happiness. i've always thought that sometimes u've gotta take risks in relationships n that (omg i've said this a million times)you shld fight for wat u really want. he doesn do it and wats this show to me (atleast from my point of view) is that he's not ready.

J on the other hand, he's maing effort to really finally settle down. thats da thing i like about him. he's always so honest. he loves me but he's scared that he'd mess up coz of his "player nature". he said that he's seen alot of betrayal in relationships that he dunno what might happen if he was in a relatioship with me. stupid boy. lols. to date he asked me 3 times to b his gf. rejected all those times. but i think hes gonna ask me again. this time... lols. its juz funny. he asks but he has so many insecurities n all... its understandable.

aniwaes, enough abt that. family probs is another thing. juz don let me see my ~~fucking cousin~~ anywhere. i swear, ill punch his face. its juz nvr ending. my mom's side has juz too much probs.

song of the moment

Heart-Alone - V.A

2008-12-24T09:51:00.000+08:00

i need more than juz false hopes. i need something real. i found it finally....

2008-12-21T12:11:00.002+08:00

i noe i have to make a decision. but i cant help but hoping tat it'll come arnd later.... i don have da luxury now do i? da words that i have been waiting to hear frm him finally popped up yesterday. lols he came back from japan already. missed him dearly... i've liked him immensely b4. abt a yr ago... but at tat point of time he told me he wasn ready for a relationship... tats 1 thing i liked abt him. always so open.. always honest... he didn keep da fact tat he was a player... lols. he told me he is mending his ways... for me... its right for ppl to not believe him wen he says he's changing... especially so for me... coz i don get to see him often if we were 2gether... so i might not know what he is up to.. but hey.. u only live once... u gotta take risks sometimes right? i still haven told him anything yet... i dunno wat to say to him......

2008-12-17T20:40:00.003+08:00

have u guys ever had a moment of enlightenment? i've juz had mine. u noe where deres instances that it has actually occured but u juz ignore but den it comes back full n more vivid den ever? how long must i wait? how long must i keep hoping for things that wont ever come. i keep wishing that mebbe if i give him another chance den mebbe everything wld b right again? but it wont ever b da same will it? things change, people change. ur not da guy that i 1st knew. u don care. u don feel da things u say u feel. lols. i expected too much coz i tot u wld b some1 to always b dere for me. yes wen it comes to studies n work ur always dere to help me. u don love me. i go mia wen im in malaysia n all i get wen i get back is juz 1 or max 2 msgs. if u think im unreasonable den go ahead.

im still unsure abt 1 thing though. shld i accept J or shldn i? coz i cant seem to let go completely. haiz.....

totally misunderstood

2008-12-17T20:30:00.002+08:00

i've told him so many times. its not about J. but i guess he just dont get it. i tot one should fight for what thy believe in? i guess wen it comes to love........ im juz not worth da fight. tats it. haiz, life's a bitch. haha. but wat can i do? juz coz i say all those things abt J doesn mean i think he's better. im juz saying so u can actually learn a thing or 2. haiz. totally misunderstood. but heck.

heart keep breaking. haha. so much for hoping.

2008-12-14T14:04:00.002+08:00

he's going off to japan. damn. gonna miss him alot. haiz. sooooo meeting up wif him wen he gets back. aniwaes, omg omg omg. i asked him if he wanted to patch back wif me. wat was i thinking????????? i swear ros gonna explode on me. damn. well he didn give me a reply. i guess tats a gd thing. coz i still thinking wat made me say tat out. zzz.... mind is jumbled up. on the other hand. da other guy asked me b his gf. again! damnation. i seriously considering to say yes. but ill tell him my decision wen he gets back frm japan n wen i meet him. life's a bitch!

2008-12-09T08:54:00.001+08:00

totally ignored

its saddening. lols i think i always use this word. but hey, its da perfect description for almost every event in my life. hahaha... >SADDENING

2008-12-01T21:26:00.002+08:00

yea. i noe wen im being a distraction. which means im NOT wanted. so wat i shld do now is to juz really study. chiong all da way. no more weird antics. no more romantism. hardcore studying. its a wise idea to keep ur hands to urself. MAKE SURE U STICK TO IT.

2008-11-29T20:44:00.002+08:00

omg omg omg. so much work so little time. well atleast da major 1s r done.

bgr hmmm.... life's a bitch. J asked me out on thur. on a date. lols. i dunno wat to say. later i say yes den gene angry. later i don say yes J sad. so wat m i supposed to do? i miss J. long time nvr see him. zzzz.... life's unfair.

2008-11-23T20:52:00.003+08:00

my decision still stands. i need to come to terms with what happened 1st b4 i can really accept.

2008-11-22T14:28:00.000+08:00

"Stranger"

Nobody believes me when I tell them that you're out of your mind.
Nobody believes me when I tell them that there's so much you hide.
You treat me like a queen when we go out,
wanna show everyone what our love's about.
All wrapped up in me whenever there is a crowd,
But when no ones around;

There's no kindness in your eyes,
The way you look at me, it's just not right.
I can tell whats going on this time,
Theres a stranger in my life.
You're not the person that I once knew.
Are you scared to let them know it's you?
If they could only see you like I do,
Then they would see a stranger too..

Did I ever do anything that was this cruel to you?
Did I ever make you wonder who was standing in the room?
You made yourself look perfect in every way,
So when this goes down, I'm the one that will be blamed.
Your plan is working so you can just walk away,
Baby your secret's safe.

There's no kindness in your eyes,
The way you look at me, it's just not right.
I can tell whats going on this time,
Theres a stranger in my life.
You're not the person that I once knew.
Are you scared to let them know it's you?
If they could only see you like I do,
Then they would see a stranger too..

Such a long way back, from this place that we are at.
When I think of all the time I've wasted, I could cry..

There's no kindness in your eyes,
The way you look at me, it's just not right.
I can tell whats going on this time,
Theres a stranger in my life.
You're not the person that I once knew.
Are you scared to let them know it's you?
If they could only see you like I do,
Then they would see a stranger too..

There's no kindness in your eyes,
The way you look at me, it's just not right.
I can tell whats going on this time,
Theres a stranger in my life.
You're not the person i once knew.
Are you scared to let them know it's you?
If they could only see you like I do,
Then they would see a stranger too..

2008-11-20T11:36:00.002+08:00

people who really noe me knows that i can never do anything mean all the way. its like somewhere along the way i just cant take it anymore to see the person suffer anymore. ya ben knows that. and i think only he alone knows that. i may start thinking about getting revenge in the beginning and actually set out to do it but half way, i just breakdown and just abandon it. zzz... whats wrong with me.

trying to help someone may not be the wisest idea. especially some1 who doesn appreciate your help. do i really start out listening to other's problems but then end up talking about my own? really? honestly, i think that no 1 really cares what i go through. people listen to me but dont really register. haiz. whats happening to me? i feel even lonelier now then i ever was. i though he was my fren. but i guess i was wrong. i don care to the fact if he wants to confide in some1 else. thats his choice. but just don go emo on me and spit back at my face. you don like how i do things and all just tell me straight and nicely.

fuck. cried yesterday. i just miss the old you. what happened? did i change? i dont think so. mebbe its better that i just leave him be for now.sides. he don even wanna hang arnd with me anymore. u can say that its just me being over sensitive and all. but its just not my sole view. many people are saying this to me. not i deduce by myself.

about gene, i dunno. its just that i have so much pain in me. i guess it was partly my fault too. for keeping things from him. things that i thought at that point of time to be insignificant but comes back to haunt me always. CHAIN REACTION. thats wat it is. a series of events leading to my decision to break up. patching up is not an easy decision for me rite now. everytime wen i almost want to give in an old memory pops in my head. a memory that arrows straight to my heart. the pain that im feeling at that time, i feel it again. more intense. the memories much more clearer than before. its hard to describe it in words.

thats why i'd rather be with someone whom i don have an emotional attachment. so that i don have to remember. i don have to go through the pain again. 2 months of hell on earth. as i write this down, my heart continues to shred even more. i don think any1 will ever get my line of thinking. and i dont even expect them too. some people might think that some of the things im thinking about or the actions of that particular person might be insignificant and that i shouldn take it to heart. but i've always said this. ITS EASIER SAID THAN DONE. these people have not gone through what i've gone through so they wouldn understand. i really loved him. wholeheartedly that i'd be willing to give anything. i still do but its just too much pain to relieve it all over again. i dont think i can survive another session of the relationship.

song of the moment - cries in vain by bullet for my valentine

2008-11-18T20:22:00.002+08:00

whatever it is, my answer will be no. no more. if u want me to say it face to face i would. no more relationships for me. dont want both. my heart cant take anymore of the emotional strains as well as the psychological torture that i've went through. no more. no more. its not your fault. stop saying it is. this is MY decision. and mine alone. no outside influence. nothing.

2008-11-15T17:34:00.002+08:00

take it or leave it. i mean it.

i haven made my choice. and im free to go out with whomever and whenever not forgetting doing whatever i wish. if u cant take that then too bad. it just goes to show that all u think about is ur feelings only. talk about being selfless. zzz... so not. im pissed. very about this. seriously, if ur talking about trying to win a girl's heart and ur willing to do anything to get her back then by being unwilling to accept my decision about this, it goes to show that ur only willing to meet me half way. not all the way. it gets me thinking whether ur worth the fight. whether i can b truly happy. im sick of conforming to people's wishes and wants and expectations. i've had it to do what people want from me. now is the time for me to start writing my own chapter in my life.

about getting hurt part? i went thru hell for 2 mmnths. dont talk to me about pain. been thru that time and time again. if u still had feelings for me u would have done something like 2 mnths ago. not now. not wen i'm finally moving on. or atleast trying to. sheesh. why must life always get so complicated for me? fuck!

2008-11-10T19:02:00.001+08:00

i can just die of boredom. damn. miss him loads. atleast more then he knows. hmmm.... epiphany. nice word with nice meaning.

2008-11-07T17:31:00.003+08:00

lots of things happened yesterday. had fun with J. lots of fun. lols. i really dont love him anymore. consider that i just gone through an EPIPHANY.

EPIPHANY
a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience

i guess initiated by J. thats good. really good.

ok ok. im smitten. but who wouldn be with a guy like him. misses his hugs. he give really good hugs.

2008-11-04T20:56:00.003+08:00

ANGER MANAGEMENT PLEASE!!!

damn. i hit my sis n nearly hit my mom. damn. guess they crossed my line. mom thought i was possessed or something. damn. want to know why? cause mom burnt one of my novel. just cause i keep reading books. then i never socialize with my family. fuck man. i love my books and i bought it with my own money. she had no right. she just had no right. been keeping to myself more and more by day. its good for a change. i have it being the life of everything but end up just not appreciated. done. finished.

2008-10-29T22:13:00.002+08:00

lols. the answer to ur qn J yes i miss u. loads. u were dere throughout everything n ur still here to juz b a dear for me. always brighten up my day. no i don love him anymore, only as a fren. and im really sorry i didn give u a chance. lols. atleast we're still good frens.

miss my guys in sch. jon, dk and zh. damn. well i discovered that actually keeping to myself is good cause it gets on her nerves n makes her really worried. haha. i see the plus points in managing my own business. mainly, achieving my goal of being a millionaire by the time im 30. woots.

anyways back to thinking and strategizing on my business.

tas.

2008-10-21T11:08:00.002+08:00

the end is near. very near. lols. see, told you i'm getting out of your hair soon (no pun intended. seriously). hehe. not that i had a choice in the matter anyways. hmmm.... just hopefully i get to repay the guys for their kindness that they had shown to me throughout my stay here. i love those guys, going to miss them loads. damn. feeling quite down now really. the pain in my tummy does not help me. sian. zzzz........... well.... atleast no more heartbreaks now for me. cause i wont be seeing everyone anymore.

tas

2008-10-20T13:53:00.003+08:00

it was just wishful thinking. a tear slid down her cheek. sometimes, she just wondered if what he felt for her was even close to love. this was what she got for giving her heart out. time and time again, she never learn from her mistakes. a mistake that cost her her heart. every day, every minute and every second of her waking moment she wished that there would be someone who would love her unconditionally and without reservation. just like how she love him. but alas, it was not meant to be. a lifetime of heartbreaks. her parents, her friends and now him. it would have been better if he just knifed her through her heart then pretending that nothing had happened between them. the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach ever present whenever he talks to her or even looked in her way. why must the world be so cruel. why her?

just something i wrote. was in the bus and had nothing to do. lols.

*disclaimer - not a rip off from anything. original work here okay people?

song of the moment - "please" by staind

Can't you see that I'm sick of this?
Chances are you're oblivious to how I feel
Sitting on your throne, and I'm sure that I'm not alone,
Not alone, not alone.

Tell me please,
Who the fuck did you want me to be?
Was there something that I couldn't see?
Never knew this would be so political.
And please, I'm still wearing this miserable skin
And it's starting to tear from within
But it's obvious that doesn't bother you, so please

I didn't think that you'd sell me out
Now I know what you're all about.
You might feel in control of things.
But you're not holding all the strings.
All the strings, all the strings.

Tell me please,
Who the fuck did you want me to be?
Was there something that I couldn't see?
Never knew this would be so political.
And please, I'm still wearing this miserable skin
And it's starting to tear from within
But it's obvious that doesn't matter to you,
So please

I've swallowed all your insults
I've swallowed all my pride
You used up all your chances
Can't keep this all inside

Tell me please,
Who the fuck did you want me to be?
Was there something that I couldn't see?
Never knew this would be so political.
And please, I'm still wearing this miserable skin
And it's starting to tear from within
But it's obvious that doesn't bother you

So please don't be telling me that it's ok
I don't buy all the shit that you say
And quite honestly I'm fucking sick of it
so please if I cut off this nose from my face
Then I wouldn't feel so out of place
But it still wouldn't be quite enough for you,
so please

Please - Staind

2008-10-18T19:47:00.003+08:00

hmmm... guys are weird. i don't know if he is really sincere or if he is just saying it for the sake of saying. i mean its simply out of the blue he says he wants to officially have dates with me. my first reaction is "ermmm......." that was before i started laughing my ass off. seriously, it was just funny. sister was looking at me weirdly. lols. cant blame her also cause i just laughed.

aniwaes, first accident since we got the car. stupid sis. zzz.... wanna ram the wall also must at my side. i dont want to die yet. having chest pains till now. i think cause of the shock. zzz.... luckily the engine all can work still. just that there are scratches on the bonnet as well as slight bent. irritating.

went malaysia yesterday. didn take car bus took bus instead. thank god for that cause there was a huge jam at the checkpoint. taking the bus was smoother. it was tiring but i guess it took my mind away from things.

back to lesson

2008-10-13T20:11:00.000+08:00

made my passport 2day. cause it expired like in march. didn know till yesterday. supposed to go JB but end up cant. sian. so its a biometric passport. gonna be ready on friday. but i look really nice in the photo. with my new hairdo. woots.

2008-10-12T21:00:00.002+08:00

i permed my hair. like omg. not that i dont look good. just that i have been keeping straight hair. so its a change. i need a new start.

had a good talk with him today. didn know that he was that insightful on love matters. gave me loads of advice. owe him alot. he said he'll always be there for me whenever i needed him. really appreciate it. lols though he keeps bugging me to go out for a movie with him. lols. aniwaes, he said that for me to move on is rather difficult. cause im a romantic. dont i know that. he said that i gave my heart away and i never quite got it back. i just need to get it back. i wonder how. he's always been like that. say things that i sometimes dont get. hmmm... need to ponder on what he said. zzz...

well... work is over. had a memorable time. did lots of funny shit with my gal pal. lols. it was just crazy with her her. i LOVE u Ros. lols. i think we raised eyebrows. atleast for those who saw what we did la. haha. shared some insight on some people. shared more of what we liked and what we didn like. bonding session. gal power. woots.

few people i thought was funny and cute at the same time. JJ. the short tongue IT guy. lols. when i said 'ros ninja-ed some hashbrowns' his eyebrows went up. then asked me if i was a gamer cause only gamers used that word. i was like 'kinda' weird. haha then he dont know how to use the hot water dispenser. i thought that was kind of cute. ros was there laughing at him also. he was kinda complaining how da 2nd n 3rd day he could not have hot water then he was freezing cold. lols.

i thought joseph was cute too. indo guy then he always go in and out of the ballroom that i was ushering. then everytime he got free time he stand at the door then talk to me. lols he the whole time work there very stress. cause he overall in charge of the IT side.

i think the other 2 ushers who eventually got fired were nice too. louis and kenneth. lols. our acquaintance was brief but it was memorable. o ya. did i mention that many of the ushers got fired by stella? it was scary. i prayed that me or my group (soon to be no more) didn get fired. stella was damn angry. i was like eeekkkk... new people and replacements got fired on the spot cause some people complained to management that the ushers were useless (or something like that). i felt bad for the people la. to be dismissed just like that. stupid bastard. all his fault. damnation. then i got stuck that day with the other him. was damn awkward. and i thought things were getting better he had to dash that. but don blame him though. i mean, he is not that proficient with words. haiz..

a song that struck a cord to me.

Sesungguhnya - Ungu

Saat dunia berhenti berputar
saat manusia tak sanggup lagi berharap
ketika mentari tak sanggup lagi bernjanji
menyinari dunia yang tak kau singgahi

mampukah kau untuk berbagi
tanpa hasrat ingin diberi
dihadapannya, dihadapanmu ya Allah

sesungguhnya manusia
takkan bisa menkmati surga
tanpa ikhlas di hatinya
sesungguhnya manusia
takkan bisa menyentuh nikmatnya
tanpa tulus di hatinya

2008-10-10T19:35:00.003+08:00

took out my extentions. finally. that thing is quite irritating to tell u the truth.

aniwaes,

please say what is on your mind. dont leave me hanging in there. dont get my hopes up if all you want to do is just hurt me more. nothing hurt more when u said 'i did all that just to see u smile'. what games of the heart are you playing at? did all that u said to me yesterday mean a thing? or was it all just my wishful thinking that things could be like last time? and yes. this time i am posing these questions to YOU.

2008-10-09T20:58:00.002+08:00

is it real or is it just my imagination? who noes? maybe i wished so hard for it to be true that i am actually hallucinating?

aniwaes, thank god i did a good job at work. if not surely get fired like the rest. thankfully all my buddies did not get fired. quite a depressing day with only a few high points in the day. sad man. i feel like crap cause my feet hurts like crazy. damn damn damn.

2008-10-08T19:50:00.002+08:00

yea. finally break away. 1st time working and its not with my mom. made new friends and also got closer to old ones. got to know more of some people and i realize that i had misconceptions about them. but its all cool. we're all cool. job is not too bad. tiring but not because of too much work but due to lots of slacking. i think nancy is a bitch. its like she has PMS everyday. keeps shouting at everyone. zzz... aniwaes, im definitely doing better. much better then what i have been doing. maybe because i have close friends around.

from somewhere deep inside

2008-10-07T20:16:00.002+08:00

its hard. every look. every smile. every laughter. a heart wrenching experience. no matter how hard i try. ill never b able to stop myself. catching glimpses of him whenever i get. i just hope he did not notice it. no matter how hard i try ill never be able to rid of him from my system. one might say that its easy. but when your the one experiencing it, its more like 'easier said than done'.

i dont want to have anything to do with him. to break all forms of communication. all forms of relationships with him. if i had my way, i would have done just that. but i know better. life's bitter experiences had taught me better. i just cant forsake it due to personal reasons. its not worth it. but what i can do is be more independent. no more dependence on him in every single way.

i keep lying to myself that i am way over him. my mind can lie to me but my heart can. every single time he speaks to me or looks in my way, i feel the urge to just wrap my arms around him. but i also feel the urge to just slap him senseless. maybe this mixed feelings in me is what is causing me to have random mood outbursts.

no matter. this is not going to last long. i will be out soon. i will be far far away where i wont be in your hair again. i will never disturb or disrupt your life. where i wont be able to make your life hell with all this anymore. its coming. soon. very soon.

i cant change what happened between us. lest to say, i don ever want it to change. what we had was beautiful. but now that it is over, i know it is over. i will keep the good as well as the bad ones too.

i love you. n i will always do. no one and nothing will change that. it was just too bad that we didn resolve all the problems between us. it was my fault but i do not regret the decision that i had made in the end. it was for the best. atleast we know that we were not meant for each other. atleast i know the meaning of bittersweet feeling of being in real love and hopefully of being loved in return.

song of the day - "sorry seems to be the hardest words"

2008-10-05T23:15:00.002+08:00

haaaaaa..... finally.... a load off my chest. can finally move on knowing the truth. atleast i wont feel bad coz i noe he doesn feel da same anymore. to tell u the truth. at 1st i juz wanted to end all relationships wif him. even as frens. but i think again. i don think its worth it. i don think we were even serious wen we got into da relationship. lols but enough abt tat. tats all in da past n its nvr gonna happen again.

SINGLEHOOD rulz! not tat its gonna stay tat way long. hehehe

2008-09-30T22:47:00.003+08:00

wat can i say. another disappointment. guess all da books i've been reading isnt gonna help me much. i've lost pretty much everything. haha. time for rebound. move on aidah. move on. the world hates u. u noe tat.

all time low. fall apart. break apart.

aniwaes. preps for hari raya have been hectic. finally. finish fasting. atleast being bz keeps me away frm thinking. haha. i think too much.

i love me. i shld start loving me.

the world hates me!

2008-09-22T20:49:00.000+08:00

wat MG said was true. it doesn matter how much ur heart goes out to da person. if its meant not to happen means it meant not to happen. no worries. =)

2008-09-22T19:37:00.000+08:00

yea. he finally smsed me. kinda missed him. lols. he went out fishing on his study break. damn tat guy is talented. smart but he doesn need to study. hmmm..... said he wanted to meet up. dunno wen im free to meet him though. always a surprise wenever wif him. lols.

2008-09-21T22:17:00.002+08:00

GCA over. finally. woots. it was....... nice...... did lots of slacking. lols.

well... had a gd talk wif MG yesterday. about everything frm studies to school. to teachers to relationships. both of us were realy open. lols. some of da things he told me we really an eye opener. lols. had fun.

2008-09-19T20:00:00.003+08:00

in a bottomless pit rite now. if he only juz say smt. im willing to juz forget everything. im not angry at him anymore. haiz. its awkward. things btwn us now. things i heard frm ppl. it juz sucks to not hear it frm himself. m i really tat bad to talk to? i feel so alone. haiz. im destined to be tat way. im obnoxious. im a bitch. im domineering. dominating. unreasonable. angsty. emotional. temperamental. idiotic. and the list juz goes on. bottomline... im a failure. at everything n to everyone. practice wat i preach. but its easier said den done.

everytime i listen to da song "kiss me", i keep remembering all those times. good times. it sucks. i juz wish tat he'd juz sweep me off my feet. but tats not gonna happen. coz as i remembered... he said... "dere r things guys wld do for their gf but not others" n i m not his gf. not anymore.

2008-09-17T18:56:00.001+08:00

i feel numb. no anger. no sadness. nth. did i make da right decision. mebbe i did. mebbe i didn. if u asked me if i still loved him. yes i do. im too deep in this shit. but i juz wan him to care enough. which he hasn been showing. keeping things frm me. no matter wat my reactions wld b i juz wan u to say it. i noe im unreasonable but hey i get over things fast. i can safely say tat this relationship have been stagnant. no more live in it. we nvr do any special things for each other. domineering. i wldn noe abt tat. like i said. communication. we used to sit down n juz talk. but we don do tat anymore. i still remember he said he love our talk sessions. n yes he has changed over da camp. but i think way b4 tat. i cant really say wen but it was b4 camp. after tat he juz got worst. mebbe he got tired of me already. mebbe. i wldn noe. but he really hurt me bad. he went out wif her n i had to noe it thru some1 else. haiz. i hate life. i really do. mebbe im juz too much of a romantic. too many romance novels. i always imagined prince charming wld sweep me off my feet. i still remember those times wen he tried carrying me. i nvr said it b4 but i tot it was very sweet. it stopped after awhile. alot of things stopped. no more holding hands in public. either tat or we seldom do it anymore. he keep asking me to spend time wif my frens too. mebbe im clingy. i dunno. tats da thing. i dunno lots of things. coz he don say it. its high time he opened up. now or nvr.

2008-09-15T20:58:00.001+08:00

laid back n relax. tired of all this shit. if u wan it bad enough den go work ur ass off. im not gonna do anything anymore.

2008-09-14T19:27:00.002+08:00

it sucks being 2nd best. i tried so hard. it juz have to happen wen i juz finally open up my heart to him.

every1 was right. it has always been juz 1 sided. but i juz refused to believe it coz i love him too much.

its true wat they say. life is unfair. so wat can i do now? i only got 2 choices. endure n get hurt more. or break it off. i've said it frm da very beginning tat if this fails.... im nvr gonna get on again. i mean it. im too deep in this shit. im juz not fated for love. ill give him space. ill give him lotsa space. so much for marriage. so much for da till death do us part. so much for i wanna spend da rest of my life wif u. n so much for u r da 1 n only for me.

used n wasted. tats me. tat have always been me.

2008-09-13T22:11:00.002+08:00

a ripple in time.

end is coming. i can juz feel it. da best i can do is to prepare for it.

mebbe i need a spare. mebbe i don. i can nvr tell. but juz how to go abt doing it. i need to talk to him n fast. time is running out for me.

creeping down my spine. da feeling so cold i cld feel it in my bones.

2008-09-13T19:46:00.001+08:00

tired. iitsc bonding camp was really tiring. but not too bad la. damn fun. had to run arnd alot. but da most fun part was da final clash. lols cant believe tat ppl said me n gene very formidable couple. lols. shocker.

lonely valentine

2008-09-06T15:23:00.000+08:00

Lonely Valentine - Chris Trapper

I've been humming your song all day
I've been wasting the words away
Lonely valentine
Please come back to me
One more time

I've been wandering in every room
But I can't find a trace of you
Lonely valentine
Please come back to me
One last time

Watching steam turn to clouds
See the skyline send its angels on down
To lift my feet off this stone
To complete me though I'm still more alone
I'll just say I will wait for you

I went running into the crowd
I was calling your name out loud
Lonely valentine
Better luck next time
Somewhere down the line

I got home I was out of breath
You were waiting on my front steps
With a valentine
It said that you'll be mine
'til the end of time

Watching steam turn to clouds
See the skyline send its angels on down
To lift my feet off this stone
To complete me though I'm still more alone
I'll just say I will wait for you
I'll just say I will wait for you

2008-09-05T22:30:00.002+08:00

it feels as if u don care anymore. or is it juz tat i've been doing it so many times tat ur getting tired of it?

i dunno. insecurities. insecurities n more insecurities. trying to surpress it but its eating me inside. i got no where else to go do i? no 1 to turn to.

abandonment. never knew da exact meaning of it till now.

destiny. mebbe.

2008-08-27T22:29:00.002+08:00

i must not b too needy or dependent. ill b fine on my own. don need company 24hrs. haiz. only god noes how much i miss him. words can nvr describe how i feel towards him. nvr expect n u wont get hurt. ya. i need to do start tat again. mellow down. don care wat ppl say already. im independent. yes i m. tmr's gonna b a long bus ride alone. no choice. hopefully ill be so bz tmr dere wont b time to think. haha.

2008-08-26T22:11:00.000+08:00

tell me if it's true !!!

When A Girl Calls You
this is very true, so pay attention

When you catch a girl
glancing at you,
she wants you to look
back and smile

When a girl bumps into your arm
while walking with you
she wants
you to hold her hand

When she wants a hug
she will just stand there

When u break a girls heart
she still feels it when
you run into each other 3 years later

When a girl is quiet,
millions of things are running through her
mind

When a girl is not arguing,
she is thinking deeply

When a girl looks at you with eyes full of
questions,
she is wondering how long you will be
around

When a girl answers, "I'm fine," after a
few seconds,
she is not at all fine

When a girl stares at you,
she is wondering why you are playing games

When a girl lays her head on your chest,
she is wishing for you to be hers forever

When a girl says she can't live
without you,
she has made up her mind that you are
her future

When a girl says, "I miss you,"
no one in this world can miss you more
than that

When a girl is mean to you after a break-up
she wants you back, but shes
scared she'll get hurt and knows
you're gone forever

Guy Facts:

When a guy calls you,
he wants to be with you

When a guy is quiet,
He's listening to you...

When a guy is not arguing,
He realizes he's wrong

When a guy says, "I'm fine." after a few
minutes
he means it

When a guy stares at you,
he wishes you would care about him and
wonders if you do

When your laying your head on a guy's
chest,
he has the world

When a guy calls/texts/comments you everyday,
he is in love

When a (good) guy tells you he loves you,
he means it

When a guy says he can't live without you,
he's with you til your done

When a guy says, "I miss you,"
he misses you more than you could have
ever missed him or anything else

2008-08-26T22:00:00.001+08:00

A True Boyfriend
A True Boyfriend
• Stay on the phone with her even if shes not saying anything
• Tease her and let her tease you back.
• Stay up all night with her when she's sick.
• Watch her favorite movie with her.
• Give her the world.
• Let her wear your clothes.
• When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.
• Let her know she's important.
• Kiss her in the pouring rain.
• When she runs to you crying.. the first thing you say is..
"Who's ass am i beating today baby?"

2008-08-26T21:43:00.001+08:00

hmmm..... cause for celebration......

EXAMS R OVER!!!!!!!!!

hmm.... distant.... not... i guess he juz misses me to much.......

sorry darling. I LOVE YOU

2008-08-24T20:55:00.002+08:00

"wats with u...
u are not like that b4
u are more
n2...
tolk to ppl...
go here go there
very helpfull...
do things
recently...
y r getting lazy
ur eng
is also going dwn...
u used..
to be very proacitve
very tolkative"

m i really? mebbe coz its da company. mebbe coz deres too much on my mind. mebbe....

it hurt to have him throw it all out to me at once. growing distant. most definitely growing distant. jon have his own life now. i have no 1. no 1 at all.

2008-08-23T22:53:00.004+08:00